A simple haircut, a sharp pair of scissors, and one panicked lie that became a years-long domestic sitcom starring my imaginary wife and two very inconsistent children.
It’s only a pleasure - things have been just a bit too grim for my liking as well, and I suspect they’re going to get even more so with the days getting shorter.
Mate, I can guarantee the game was up after Lottie, mille-feuille and Daschund. No self-respecting straight man would admit to that lot even if it were true. 🫠
Weirdly enough, I am completely relieved by this post, because I’ve discovered that I’m not the only one who sometimes invents a fictional family 😂
As someone who got married, to a woman before you ask, but got divorced and decided at that point in time (back in 2001) that he wasn’t ever going to bother with that crap again and was much happier in his own company, without someone limiting his hobby time or forcing him to make compromises, or making him go to bed at a civil hour (ie when she wanted to go!).
I guess, in modern vernacular, I would be defined as an asexual, although I personally don’t define myself as that, because I might change my mind at any given time, knowing me. I just haven’t in the last 24 years! If pressed to define myself, it would be as ‘Afluxual’™️ (I’m trademarking it before it becomes popular 😁) ie in a constant state of flux.
However, I often get quizzed about a wife or partner... I’m one if those people who fools people’s gaydars. Hanging around with my gay friend, I am often mistaken for a ‘bear’, being of rugby player build with a lovely beard, and an occasional camp or flamboyant manner, especially when animated. If I tell people I’m just a hermit who’s not interested in having a ‘fleshy life sponge’ aka a partner, they look at me like I’m a weirdo, probably my fault for saying ‘fleshy life sponge’, I know.
There seems to be something socially unacceptable about not needing someone else to make your life complete. So, to make my life easier, and sometimes just to get the conversation out of the way, I invent a partner - either male or female depending on my mood - and sometimes a child, always a daughter because the only kid I know is my friend’s 8 year old daughter so I just regurgitate stuff he tells me 🫢. It just makes life easier, although when I see someone who I’ve done this with and can’t remember what I said, I just say I’m newly divorced 🤪.
It’s fun to make up a fictional history and basically create a multiversal alternative me, who’s led an entirely different life, on the spot. Obviously my friends know I’m a hermit, but there are many people I’ve met who believe I’m happily married, whether that’s to my Nicaraguan Human Rights Lawyer husband, Ésteban, my lovely Latina wife, Valentina, or any of the myriad of characters dreamt up on the spur of the moment.
I bet there are lots of people out there who do this, I’d like to think they’re reading your post and my reply, feeling better because they found out they’re not alone in doing this. Or maybe it’s just you and me, but hey, at least we’re in good company 😁
I'm in absolute hysterics here! I can almost feel you squirming! I have a couple of gay friends, one of whom " looks" hetero, the other is one who camps it up, and both of them are lovely guys, so I understand what you're saying. I LOVE your family names - not - Lottie?? You're having a laugh, she sounds like a posh Londoner who would probably avoid you like the plague. Tarquin?? What?? Penelope?? For goodness sake! The only decent one is Hector the dog ( who I could grow very fond of). Oh what a tangled web we weave ... I can't wait to hear more!! Loads of ❤️ to my favourite Bear 🐻, your invisible husband ( poor man - have you told him? How did he take it?) and of course dear Lottie, Tarquin, Penelope and Hector xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ( still giggling)
I loved this! Just what I needed after spending about an hour trying to decide whether or not to respond to an online article which has made me really cross.
Do you think there is any chance your barber will read it?!
I don't think my former barber would care who I was seeing. Last I spoke to him, before he moved on, he was too busy lamenting the downsides of living with his father-in-law! But thanks for the laugh.
Oh how I laughed! You do realise that we'll be waiting with bated breath for the next episode? If you're sticking with said barber this could go on until Penelope gets married, or beyond - granddad!
I don't know what's funnier - the on-going deceit, and the secret life of Lottie... or going with Tarquin. You're cultivating an imaginary child of immense poshness!
Oh man, I just love stuff like this. I have been on both ends of these sorts of conversations, albeit with less lore involved.
You have *got* to kill Horace off, Bear. It's the next logical step of the story. Your barber probably half expects it.
Poor Horace 😢
After another pretty grim day, thank you Bear for making me giggle - a lot - I look forward to the next instalment.
It’s only a pleasure - things have been just a bit too grim for my liking as well, and I suspect they’re going to get even more so with the days getting shorter.
Mate, I can guarantee the game was up after Lottie, mille-feuille and Daschund. No self-respecting straight man would admit to that lot even if it were true. 🫠
Weirdly enough, I am completely relieved by this post, because I’ve discovered that I’m not the only one who sometimes invents a fictional family 😂
As someone who got married, to a woman before you ask, but got divorced and decided at that point in time (back in 2001) that he wasn’t ever going to bother with that crap again and was much happier in his own company, without someone limiting his hobby time or forcing him to make compromises, or making him go to bed at a civil hour (ie when she wanted to go!).
I guess, in modern vernacular, I would be defined as an asexual, although I personally don’t define myself as that, because I might change my mind at any given time, knowing me. I just haven’t in the last 24 years! If pressed to define myself, it would be as ‘Afluxual’™️ (I’m trademarking it before it becomes popular 😁) ie in a constant state of flux.
However, I often get quizzed about a wife or partner... I’m one if those people who fools people’s gaydars. Hanging around with my gay friend, I am often mistaken for a ‘bear’, being of rugby player build with a lovely beard, and an occasional camp or flamboyant manner, especially when animated. If I tell people I’m just a hermit who’s not interested in having a ‘fleshy life sponge’ aka a partner, they look at me like I’m a weirdo, probably my fault for saying ‘fleshy life sponge’, I know.
There seems to be something socially unacceptable about not needing someone else to make your life complete. So, to make my life easier, and sometimes just to get the conversation out of the way, I invent a partner - either male or female depending on my mood - and sometimes a child, always a daughter because the only kid I know is my friend’s 8 year old daughter so I just regurgitate stuff he tells me 🫢. It just makes life easier, although when I see someone who I’ve done this with and can’t remember what I said, I just say I’m newly divorced 🤪.
It’s fun to make up a fictional history and basically create a multiversal alternative me, who’s led an entirely different life, on the spot. Obviously my friends know I’m a hermit, but there are many people I’ve met who believe I’m happily married, whether that’s to my Nicaraguan Human Rights Lawyer husband, Ésteban, my lovely Latina wife, Valentina, or any of the myriad of characters dreamt up on the spur of the moment.
I bet there are lots of people out there who do this, I’d like to think they’re reading your post and my reply, feeling better because they found out they’re not alone in doing this. Or maybe it’s just you and me, but hey, at least we’re in good company 😁
You should always tell the truth in the presence of very sharp instruments!
I'm in absolute hysterics here! I can almost feel you squirming! I have a couple of gay friends, one of whom " looks" hetero, the other is one who camps it up, and both of them are lovely guys, so I understand what you're saying. I LOVE your family names - not - Lottie?? You're having a laugh, she sounds like a posh Londoner who would probably avoid you like the plague. Tarquin?? What?? Penelope?? For goodness sake! The only decent one is Hector the dog ( who I could grow very fond of). Oh what a tangled web we weave ... I can't wait to hear more!! Loads of ❤️ to my favourite Bear 🐻, your invisible husband ( poor man - have you told him? How did he take it?) and of course dear Lottie, Tarquin, Penelope and Hector xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ( still giggling)
I loved this! Just what I needed after spending about an hour trying to decide whether or not to respond to an online article which has made me really cross.
Do you think there is any chance your barber will read it?!
Planning on having any more children while Tarq and Penny are still young...? 🤔
Thank you, Mr Bear - I laughed out loud at this.
I don't think my former barber would care who I was seeing. Last I spoke to him, before he moved on, he was too busy lamenting the downsides of living with his father-in-law! But thanks for the laugh.
I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t care either - all completely panic moves on my behalf.
And only a pleasure.
🐻
Find a new barber and start over maybe?
I would - but he’s really, really good with my hair.
How about Lottie transitions?
Oh how I laughed! You do realise that we'll be waiting with bated breath for the next episode? If you're sticking with said barber this could go on until Penelope gets married, or beyond - granddad!
Shudder the thought!
Oh I loved that. Made me laugh lots. Thankyou.
I don't know what's funnier - the on-going deceit, and the secret life of Lottie... or going with Tarquin. You're cultivating an imaginary child of immense poshness!
I laughed out loud at Tarquin and Penelope 😂🤣
🤣🤣🤣