Back in June when I started the move from the cesspit previously known as Twitter and focusing most of my efforts into Bearly Politics, I started doing a Sunday post that was a bit more personal.
A tough one. But the council really isn't a panacea, it rescues you financially only just before you hit the buffers, but does so on terms that impose emotional and administrative stress. For example, tomorrow I have a Zoom meeting about the parameters of direct payments for care visits, adding another task I will resent to the pile I already have.
And I applaud you for saying you're sticking with husband come what may, but 15 years of caring for a wife with MS, and no end in sight, destroys any relationship, sadly, without leaving room or time for another one
I’m sorry to read this Bear, life can be a real struggle sometimes. I’ve just deleted a bunch of what I was writing, as it ended up being more about my life. Suffice to say, I feel for what you’re going through, and I hope for an appropriate solution to your worries in the near future. In the meantime get your husband to increase the hug rations for the duration.
Mike, I too was in the middle of writing a lengthy response, when I deleted everything I’d written so far. Suffice to say, I can empathise.
I’m inclined to over share. It’s an ADHD thing, I think. In conversation, I’m sure my friends must think I’m always trying to make everything about myself, but actually I’m just saying “I get it - I’ve been through something similar”. Warm hugs to you and Bear. ❤️
Thank you Sara Jayne, I was going to just delete the whole post and say nothing, but I thought Bear deserves to at least know others empathise, and it makes me happy that you get it too. Have a great weekend!
When my father was diagnosed as terminally ill, I was the sponge on the end of the phone with my mother. They lived in Perthshire and I in Hampshire. I used to dread Sunday afternoons when she would phone me and pour out all of her hurt and frustration to me. The terminal stage only lasted seven months and Mum didn’t want any of us to visit. The day before Dad died my brothers did drive up from Leicestershire and say their goodbyes to him. I drove up over night that day and saw Dad before he died, but by that time he was in a coma.
Sharing the grief of my Mum’s phone calls with a couple of very close friends really helped me to cope as I listened to her each week. I know that your situation is different, but there are enough people who care about you that you can share some of the burden with.
I take it that your father still has some mobility - how is he getting hold of the whisky and cigarettes? Is there a way to stop this or to insist that he’s taken outside to smoke and a limit put on his alcohol consumption?
Are there any other relatives in SA who could help your mother? Any friends she can call on for help? Lots of questions but very few answers, especially as you are so far from them.
Though no two situations are identical, some of the family pathologies are familiar and frequent. My heart goes out to you and all your family. I hope that things get back on an even keel soon (not saying they will necessarily improve, but we adapt). Don’t be hard on yourself, unfortunately this is the human predicament. All the best, John.
As a lapsed therapist I could comment at length and I won't because it isn't my place.
May I take a moment though to pass on a few words of wisdom relayed to me during my training.
To support others first ones' own cup must be running over. So those you support receive the excess and you remain in good fettle. Self care old bean. Self care. Not easy, yet so vital.
Some of what you have written sounds just like what I have with my dad. A few differences, but the relationship, smoking, drinking (my dad is a wine drinker), is the same. Sending you lots of love and hugs. x
Timely post as ever. Just celebrating a little win of wrestling the car keys of my husband as his driving days sadly have to come to an end. You just never know what people are going through but nice that you shared and amazing that you have us all sharing a little too. 🙂
One bit of advice, take care of yourself first. I've been in a similar situation with a physically abusive parent and about 15 years ago, I was told I wasn't wanted in their life anymore, that was fine, after many, many years of physical and verbal abuse, I was happy to step away. I don't feel guilty, I put myself first so that I could care for my own family. We can't take on the faults or failings of others, all we could do was our best to try to help, but when they really don't want that help, it's not on us. At the end of the day, the choices our parents made are theirs to own, if it makes their life difficult, we can only try to help but we can't solve their problems. You grab the happiness you can with your husband. I sincerely hope that a solution is found. Take care.
Sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. I sense that maybe you should put your typewriter away and spend some time with your folk. A visit back to SA would not go a miss and if you can find some space to be nice to yourself - do it. We will cope without you for a bit. Take care, hugs to all.
So sorry you and your mum are going through such a tough time. It’s so hard when a relationship with a parent completely breaks down, I know, but having to deal with the care home situation too is awful. Sending love and hugs to you
A tough one. But the council really isn't a panacea, it rescues you financially only just before you hit the buffers, but does so on terms that impose emotional and administrative stress. For example, tomorrow I have a Zoom meeting about the parameters of direct payments for care visits, adding another task I will resent to the pile I already have.
And I applaud you for saying you're sticking with husband come what may, but 15 years of caring for a wife with MS, and no end in sight, destroys any relationship, sadly, without leaving room or time for another one
I’m sorry to read this Bear, life can be a real struggle sometimes. I’ve just deleted a bunch of what I was writing, as it ended up being more about my life. Suffice to say, I feel for what you’re going through, and I hope for an appropriate solution to your worries in the near future. In the meantime get your husband to increase the hug rations for the duration.
Mike, I too was in the middle of writing a lengthy response, when I deleted everything I’d written so far. Suffice to say, I can empathise.
I’m inclined to over share. It’s an ADHD thing, I think. In conversation, I’m sure my friends must think I’m always trying to make everything about myself, but actually I’m just saying “I get it - I’ve been through something similar”. Warm hugs to you and Bear. ❤️
Thank you Sara Jayne, I was going to just delete the whole post and say nothing, but I thought Bear deserves to at least know others empathise, and it makes me happy that you get it too. Have a great weekend!
When my father was diagnosed as terminally ill, I was the sponge on the end of the phone with my mother. They lived in Perthshire and I in Hampshire. I used to dread Sunday afternoons when she would phone me and pour out all of her hurt and frustration to me. The terminal stage only lasted seven months and Mum didn’t want any of us to visit. The day before Dad died my brothers did drive up from Leicestershire and say their goodbyes to him. I drove up over night that day and saw Dad before he died, but by that time he was in a coma.
Sharing the grief of my Mum’s phone calls with a couple of very close friends really helped me to cope as I listened to her each week. I know that your situation is different, but there are enough people who care about you that you can share some of the burden with.
I take it that your father still has some mobility - how is he getting hold of the whisky and cigarettes? Is there a way to stop this or to insist that he’s taken outside to smoke and a limit put on his alcohol consumption?
Are there any other relatives in SA who could help your mother? Any friends she can call on for help? Lots of questions but very few answers, especially as you are so far from them.
Though no two situations are identical, some of the family pathologies are familiar and frequent. My heart goes out to you and all your family. I hope that things get back on an even keel soon (not saying they will necessarily improve, but we adapt). Don’t be hard on yourself, unfortunately this is the human predicament. All the best, John.
Hi Bear.
As a lapsed therapist I could comment at length and I won't because it isn't my place.
May I take a moment though to pass on a few words of wisdom relayed to me during my training.
To support others first ones' own cup must be running over. So those you support receive the excess and you remain in good fettle. Self care old bean. Self care. Not easy, yet so vital.
I frequently felt guilty about my mother , living with my father , who was ‘difficult’, after I left the country to live in Spain .
There’s only so much you can do . She chose him , wouldn’t leave & her life was miserable . But that wasn’t my fault .
Not the same as your dilemma but I empathise with the frustration . I guess being the ear at the other end of the phone is what we can do . X
Some of what you have written sounds just like what I have with my dad. A few differences, but the relationship, smoking, drinking (my dad is a wine drinker), is the same. Sending you lots of love and hugs. x
Timely post as ever. Just celebrating a little win of wrestling the car keys of my husband as his driving days sadly have to come to an end. You just never know what people are going through but nice that you shared and amazing that you have us all sharing a little too. 🙂
One bit of advice, take care of yourself first. I've been in a similar situation with a physically abusive parent and about 15 years ago, I was told I wasn't wanted in their life anymore, that was fine, after many, many years of physical and verbal abuse, I was happy to step away. I don't feel guilty, I put myself first so that I could care for my own family. We can't take on the faults or failings of others, all we could do was our best to try to help, but when they really don't want that help, it's not on us. At the end of the day, the choices our parents made are theirs to own, if it makes their life difficult, we can only try to help but we can't solve their problems. You grab the happiness you can with your husband. I sincerely hope that a solution is found. Take care.
So much caring in the comments. I hope it helps to know how much you are valued and that you have not followed in your father's footsteps.
I wish I could be as eloquent as you.
Thinking of you and sending hugs
Sending hugs Bear 🤗
You can’t pick your parents or siblings, kinship is tricky navigation sometimes. Wishing you resolve and wellness.
Sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. I sense that maybe you should put your typewriter away and spend some time with your folk. A visit back to SA would not go a miss and if you can find some space to be nice to yourself - do it. We will cope without you for a bit. Take care, hugs to all.
So sorry you and your mum are going through such a tough time. It’s so hard when a relationship with a parent completely breaks down, I know, but having to deal with the care home situation too is awful. Sending love and hugs to you