Q&A With the Bear

All Your Burning Questions Answered

I woke up this morning and noticed something – I am sick to the damned back teeth of hearing my own voice nattering on about politics.

Yes, it’s my sport - and I do love it, but good Lord, how much can one man pretending to be a bear keep gnawing on the same carcass before it starts to taste like sawdust? So, for today, I’ve given my soapbox a rest and turned the floor over to you.

You sent in your questions (thank you, sincerely - I wasn’t sure if I’d get three or three hundred), and now it’s my turn to answer them. Some I’ll take seriously, some I’ll dodge with humour, and some I’ll mangle spectacularly because that’s the Bearly Politics guarantee.

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What will it take to make people in UK to understand that Farage / Reform UK would be the single worst option for the country?

A part of me wants to say a swift kick up the arse and a hard talking to, but unfortunately, I suspect that won’t work.

It will, sadly, take something much harsher - lived reality. People will have to painfully see that Reform’s bluster fixes nothing, and it will be seen in local authorities and councils that they’re in charge of. There will have to be the realisation that a £71m deficit in council spending won’t be fixed by removing (or raising) a flag or being performative.

There’s also another view we’ll need to take and examples we’ll need to learn from - specifically, what’s happening in the states at the moment, where the politics of grievance has now curdled and coalesced into what is pretty much outright authoritarianism.

Unless we learn from what’s happening in the US now, the UK will only wake up when the damage here is just too deep.

Sincere, which living recognised individual do you value the most and silly what do you think of pineapple on a pizza?

I think in terms of recognised individual, it has to be Shohreh Aghdashloo - I find her to be an incredibly compelling actress and person, and she did what will go down as the best portrayal of any Sci-Fi character ever when she played the inimitable Madame Chrisjen Avasarala in what is the best Sci-Fi series of the modern age, The Expanse - I will fight anyone who disagrees with me.

Pineapple on pizza? Love it, but can understand why some people might find it… offensive.

Do you think Zack Polanski is repeating Corbyn’s mistake of having solid left wing domestic policies but shooting himself in the foot by weak foreign policies (like wanting to leave NATO)?

I think the issue is that it’s not a completely straight repeat of Corbyn - he framed NATO as a cold war relic, which was already a pretty toxic stance. Polanski’s position seems to be a bit different - he thinks we should leave NATO because Trump is undermining it. I get the logic behind that, but the problem is still that this reads like retreat rather than resilience. We know Trump is intent on torching alliances, but the answer isn’t to walk away - it’s to double down with the allies who still believe in them.

Do you believe banning all political parties in favour of having fewer unaligned but professionally trained MPs is an option for a democratic country?

This sounds like a good idea in theory - far fewer egos, more professionals, less tribalism - but I’m not convinced about the practicality and I suspect it would turn into a nightmarish experience. Political parties aren’t necessarily the disease - they’re the immune system. The moment you strip them out and the power doesn’t go away, it’ll just mutate into cliques, billionaires and backroom deals with even less transparency than we have now.

So… which do you prefer - salmon or honey?

Honey - without a doubt. I switched over to using a drop of honey in my coffee instead of sugar a few years ago and will never turn back.

What tunes does The Bear play while writing?

Honestly - it’s usually either in silence when I’m writing at home in my study (yes, my husband does think I’m a psychopath), or listening to a podcast while on the bus/train/tube - currently the French Revolution series done by The Rest is History around July / August this year.

Most memorable holiday, and why?

A 2015 trip to New Zealand via Hong Kong - it was a three week marathon holiday with my then boyfriend where I realised he would definitely become my future husband.

Do you think the right and members of Reform/Conservatives would be this hateful and verbally abusive about a Labour PM no matter who it was - or just Starmer?

I don’t think the person matters - it’s the office. The populist right needs a hate figure in order to keep the grievance machine tipping over, and if it weren’t Starmer sitting in the hot desk, it would be whoever happened to be Labour leader.

No matter how good, they would paint them as weak, traitorous, out of touch or whatever works for that week. I think Starmer does make it a bit easier because he’s not especially charismatic, so they can project all of their bile onto him without much resistance. Even if you had to swap him out for Reeves, Rayner or Burnham - it would be the same messaging.

Switzerland has just voted for eID. Can you explain why I feel OK with that, but not UK digital ID? Is it the framing (CH for internet safety/security, UK to stop undocumented workers) or the history of Swiss vs UK databases and app management (eg. criminal and medical databases and covid tracking)?

So, I’m a bit ambivalent over this subject, but, I think you’ve pretty much put your finger on it - it’s down to the framing, the intent and the track record. The Swiss sold their eID as a tool for digital safety and secure access - something that could conceivably make your life just a bit better.

The UK has, and always has, framed ID as punishment - to stop fraud, stop migrants, stop “abuse.”

Add to that our well document history of spectacular IT fuck ups - NHS records, COVID Apps, Home Office databases that can’t even keep track of visas - and the trust needed just isn’t there.

Can we please hear more about the bad tattoo of the sexy bear?

I have a strict policy of not responding to any speculation or rumour about a badly inked bear tattoo on the inside of a left thigh. I will however say this: if such a tattoo did exist (and I am neither confirming nor denying it), the bear would of course be tasteful, muscular and smoking a pipe.

If you could have a superpower would it be China, Russia or America?

If I could actually pick a superpower, it would be telekinesis - full Jean Grey vibes. Just imagine how glorious it would be to sit on the sofa, cup of coffee in hand and have the remote, the cat and the snacks all float over without moving a muscle. That, my friend is the dream.

But since the question insists on China, Russia or America, I suppose I’ll play along.

Russia is basically a kleptocracy with missiles, China is an autocracy with spreadsheets and America - for all its current dysfunction and Orange Man Fuckery - still has the capacity to reinvent itself.

Not to mention Beyonce, Broadway and Burgers.

So, if I’m forced into it, I’ll take the US - at least I’d get better music along with the looming sense of collapsing empire.

Let’s go Desert Island Discs - what book would you take?

It would definitely be book four of the Malazan books by Steven Erikson - I’ve just slogged my way through the first three like a half-dead soldier on a battlefield, and I’m damned if I get stuck on a desert island without knowing what happens next. In an ideal world I would smuggle in books five through ten as well, but if you’re forcing me to play by the rules, then fine - House of Chains it is.

Which everyday behaviour should be a jailable offence?

People who, for whatever reason, stop at the top of escalators on the underground and stand there. Straight to prison with them. No trial, no appeal. If I’m feeling merciful, and I rarely do in these cases, maybe community service handing out pamphlets on how to use public transport without becoming a human roadblock.

Best pet - cat or dog?

I live with a cat. She’s currently watching me type this answer, so of course I’m going to say “cat.” She doesn’t really “love” me in the dog sense of the word - it’s a little bit more like a benevolent dictatorship where I’m allowed to provide food and she occasionally permits me to exist in her general vicinity. But I wouldn’t change that. Not at all. I’m very happy and not being coerced in any way to write this response by my cat.

Went to see The Producers this week at the theatre and thought in 30/40 years time someone should do a remake based on the headlines of last week alone from Farage and Trump. Does that mean reading your dispatches has made me see politics everywhere? And more importantly, would you be up for writing the script of such play? I think you’ll do a marvellous job and can’t wait to see how you envision the number “Springtime for Farage”

You have indeed been infected with Bearlyitis - a condition in which you suddenly start seeing politics in even the most mundane places, and once you start, you just can’t stop. And yes, I’d absolutely be more than up for writing a version of “Springtime for Farage” - picture Nigel in Lederhosen (urgh), chorus line of little Union Jacks, maybe a tap number about how uncomfortable questions about taxes make him. I’d say satire is well and truly dead, but if Farage and Orangina can keep parodying themselves, who am I to stop them.

How do you find the time?

Mostly by borrowing against future exhaustion to be honest - I treat energy like an overdraft, I spend what I don’t really have now and deal with the bill when it arrives in the form of sleeping for a whole weekend.

It helps (kind of) that I don’t actually sleep all that much - I’m usually in bed around 23:30 and read until 00:30 and then awake again by 04:30 or 05:00, which buys me an extra few hours a day that most people very sensibly spend unconscious.

You work really hard, for the NHS and with your writing. What does a Bear do to switch off from all the noise?

I don’t switch it off so much as redirect it - the gym is one outlet, there’s something helpful about listening to the clanging of weights and pretending that I know what I’m doing.

I also read a lot of fantasy books which involve whole empires collapsing with the safe knowledge that at least it’s someone else’s problem for once.

And of course playing many hours of Civilisation VII, which is probably my purest form of relaxation - hours of calculating yields, planning trade routes and strategising the building of an empire without any of it having disastrous consequences in the real world. It’s the one place I can overthink everything and no one ends up in A&E.

What’s your favourite cheese?

Comté. Always Comté. It’s the only cheese that can look you dead in the face and say to you “yes, I cost more than your mortgage repayments, but you’ll thank me when you taste me.” It’s an arrogant cheese, and I find that sexy.

What is the point of Norwich?

To give Alan Partridge somewhere to be from, surely? Without Norwich, we wouldn’t have him, and without him we’d all be immeasurably sadder.

Dogs or cats? And why is it dogs?

Excuse me? I am literally being stared at by my cat as I type this. I would say “hostage situation” but that makes it sound voluntary - which to be fair, it likely is. Dogs may be loyal, yes, but cats own you outright and I have a great respect for the honesty in that transaction.

What song gets you running onto the dance floor ? What are your moves like?

At the moment, it’s Filthy Gorgeous by the Scissor Sisters. Moves wise, let’s just say I’m a classy honey, kissy, huggy, lovey dovey, ghetto princess. You’ll have to use your imagination from there.

Favourite holiday destination, and why? Multiple answers are permissible, but each must be explained.

Has to be Sitges in Spain. It’s got everything you could possibly want for a holiday destination - sunshine, beaches, food and a certain… shall we say vividly colourful nightlife that ensures you’ll never be short of a story to bring back. Let’s just leave it at that.

What’s your go-to comfort food? And, as a silliness on the side, and assuming you indulge at all in cream teas, are you #JamFirst or #CreamFirst?

Lasagne - always lasagne. The layers, the cheese and the promise that you’ll need a nap afterwards. It’s edible therapy.

As for cream teas, I refuse to pick a side. I’m side by side.

Why are Farage, Trump and Putin such complete and utter cunts?

I hesitate to call them cunts - cunts are useful.

Why has Starmer done nothing to halt the upcountry perversion of cream first?

Because he’s terrified, as am I, that picking a side in the Cream Tea Wars will be the thing that finally breaks the union. Forget Scotland - Devon vs. Cornwall is where the true constitutional crisis waiting to happen lives.

Did you have a BMX & if so, what rad stunts could you do on it? Only rad stunts, mind. Going up & down kerbs & riding one handed don’t count.

I sadly never had a BMX - I was more mountain bike Bear, and if I had, the only “rad stunt” I would have managed would have been toppling sideways into a bush at 3mph. My natural flair for gravity has always outshone any talent for defying it.

How do chameleons recognise each other?

I don’t think they do - it’s an ever-revolving series of meeting everyone for the first time.

Nutella on a cheese and tomato pizza - yay or nay?

No. Hard no. Burn it with fire.

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Science says around 20.1 miles an hour - roughly the same speed as a bear sprinting down a hill with three shopping bags, a flat white and no real plan for how to stop.

What is the best sandwich filling?

Peanut butter and apricot jam. Another comfort food. Nom nom nom.

If you were offered the chance to swap your life for Putin’s or Trump’s, with the outcome, the cessation of war in Ukraine or Israel and full restoration of sovereign boundaries, would you accept the pact? If so, which would you choose?

Honestly - I’d probably end up breaking the space-time continuum before the ink dried on that deal, but, if it meant peace, restored borders and an end to pointless bloodshed, I would take one for the team.

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?

42.

Coronation Street or Eastenders, and why?

Neither. I don’t watch them - in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a full episode. I await the deportation papers and assume Shabana Mahmood will be round personally soon to escort me to Heathrow.

What’s your absolute all time favourite Apple gadget?

My second-hand iMac from CEX - hard bargained for and I traded in every arrant piece of tech in this house. I love her very much.

From Gumtree to Tunbridge Wells

If you could go back to any age and whisper in your own ear, what age and what would you say?

Age: Nineteen.

Message: Stick it out - you have no idea the incredible, improbable and amazing adventure your life will become.

Do you think Keir Starmer will be able to earn back a moral high ground unavailable to politicians latterly, and is he actually changing politics for the better by following through on his pre-election promise that, no matter how high-profile, if one of his team broke the rules they’d be out?

Despite how critical I’ve been about Starmer lately - and I really have been, this seems like one place where he has been semi-consistent.

I think Angela Rayner stepping down for something that would have been ignored by blue and turqouise politicians shows that “one-rule-for-us” isn’t necessarily the law of the land anymore, but, whether that sticks depends on consistency.

He is better than what came before, but that’s also a bar set so low you need a JCB digger to find it.

Which person from history would you most like to talk to?

Alan Turing. I’d want to speak with him, listen to him and then apologise on behalf of a country that treated him abominably even while owing him its survival. I would then ask him to please explain algorithms to me in a way that doesn’t make my head hurt.

Is your idea of Hell being locked in a room with Andrea Jenkins and forced to listen to her sing a medley of Taylor Swift songs?

Yes, though I imagine even Dante would’ve thought that one was a bit much. Andrea Jenkyns warbling her way through “Shake It Off” on repeat while you’re chained to a radiator would make even Beelzebub plead for mercy.

What the bloody hell is ‘Pumpkin Spiced Latte’?

It’s what happens where you assault a perfectly innocent cup of coffee with nutmeg and cinnamon before violently drowning it in cream. It’s supposed to taste like autumn, but all I get is cheap scented candle.

Which is your nightmare place for a holiday - on a beach, on a mountain or in a big city and why?

City breaks. Without a doubt. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love cities - I live in probably the best one in the world - but a “holiday” where I’m shuttled along public transport from museum queues to overpriced restaurants is not in any way or form my idea of relaxation.

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And that’s it.

Thanks everyone - that was actually quite a lot of fun. Yes, there were still little pops of politics here and there, but honestly this was exactly the thing I needed to pull my head way from the endless mess of the world for a bit.

I really do appreciate the questions, and I really appreciate your support, as ever. Most of all, I hope you guys learnt a bit more about me today, and many of the questions also gave me an idea of just how weird all of you are as well.

Have a lovely weekend, all,

Best,
Bear

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