Notes From a Slightly Chaotic Few Months

Family, Winter, Work, Exhaustion - and the Kindness That Made It Bearable (see what I did there?)

Photo by Pascal Debrunner on Unsplash

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Hello, everyone!

I haven’t really done one of these posts in a while, largely because things have been a little bit crazy (who knew that resigning from your job could cause just so much admin!), but also because I haven’t felt like I had much to write about lately.

Many of you will know that I flew back to South Africa towards the end of November last year on what was relatively short notice, and related to my dad’s health. I haven’t updated much since then, largely because I had to figure out what I was feeling, and also to sort out through a few emotions that came along with it.

The long and short of it is I got a call from my mum to say that my dad had two to three days to live. Phone calls like those… well, they leave you a bit unsettled. You have an instant fall of your stomach, and for me personally, puts me immediately into function mode over necessarily feeling mode.

Nonetheless, I jumped on a flight to South Africa (I was due to head down there soon anyway), and spent a very hard flight with one thought.

“What if I’m too late.”

London to Johannesburg is a long flight. It’s eleven hours. It’s especially confined when you’re a 6ft3 South Africa built largely like a slightly pudgy brick outhouse, and adding to that the existential questioning that’s happened when you believe you’re flying to one of your parent’s imminent deaths makes it borderline torturous.

I arrived, did the four hour drive to my parents and found… not at all what I was expecting.

My expectation was for him to be in the final stages of his life - frail, fading and slipping away. I had been preparing myself for that for a while.

I walked into something else. Something far more confusing and much, much more unsettling. His condition did not align in any way or form with what I had been told, and over the days that followed it became very clear that his medical care was being mismanaged.

That realisation came with shock that felt a bit like a body-blow. I could not believe what I had been seeing, and realised that a lot of very pertinent information had been kept from me when it came to what the situation on the ground really was. That obviously came with immense guilt as well, and a sense of real failure on my behalf. Healthcare is what I do. I should have caught onto many of the things that didn’t feel quite right. I should have absolutely intervened earlier.

Over the days that followed, I intervened somewhat robustly in my dad’s medicines management, his care provision and had to have a few very uncomfortable discussions with my mother about the fact that an end-of-life pathway does not mean witholding care when someone has the capacity to ask for it.

I have so much more to say about this. So much.

But, there are now formal processes underway to address many of the issues, which means that I can’t go into much more detail than I already have publicly. What I can say though is impact wise, it has been exhausting. Not dramatically so, just… draining. I am currently the type of tired that sits deep within my bones and makes even simple tasks right now feel far harder than they should.

As also already mentioned, and as many of you already know, I resigned from my senior leadership role in the NHS last month. This was shortly on the back of getting back from South Africa, and the trip home did have an impact on my decision. When I got back I had to be honest with myself just how much pressure I could handle coming from both the immense responsibility of my role in leading multiple teams along with personal pressures.

I decided that I was unable to do both. I had, up to that point, been handling both a complex situation with my parents as well as the ever-increasing demands of services that required the full and 100% undivided attention of whoever was leading it. I could not be that person anymore.

Prospects wise, I do have a (loose) plan for the months ahead. Bearly Politics features, though is not central to it, so to everyone who has donated to my Ko-Fi or taken out a paid subscription, all I can say is thank you for giving me a bit of room to manoeuvre through what has been an incredibly challenging time.

Sticking to Bearly Politics, I do have to add - despite how it might look from the outside, and yes, Bearly Politics does take up a lot of my time - it has been a sanity anchor. Waking up at five in the morning with fur daemon by my side, reading through the news, working on a draft, getting my thoughts out onto the proverbial paper/monitor has been an incredible port of safety. I cannot describe how much I’ve appreciated having something constructive to focus on - something to build, nurture and look after.

In addition to this, having recently worked with not only Emma for the podcast, but also with Andy Carter, Dr Julia Grace Patterson💙, Brown Reporter and La Reine des Metaphores, has made me feel like I’m in a team - not just quietly slogging through this alone - which has made a massive difference to me.

Over the past several months in particular, this site and this community has been a genuine lifeline to me, and has provided incredible spots of brightness during which has been an overwhelming experience for me - the kindness, support and encouragement I’ve received from people within the Bearly Politics community. Interlocutors, contacts, friends, fellow writers and a whole host of other people have been in touch over the past two months or so to give me much needed boosts on days that have been hard.

You may not have realised just what’s going on my side when you sent me a quick DM saying how much you’d enjoyed something I had written that week, or when you left an encouraging comment when my writing appeared to be a bit tired, but when you did, added a small charge to my soul’s battery.

So, just. Thank you.

On a more practical note, and a pretty important reason for this post, I will be taking a few days off between Saturday and Tuesday to spend a little time with my husband who has also been absolutely flat out doing the NHS winter thing. I’ll be back around next week Wednesday.

In addition to this, I have come down this week with a sinusitis causing a blocked nose, which in turn is making me sound like a blocked drain when I speak, so in light of this Emma Monk and I are going to also resume with Bear and Monk Debunk from next week again.

For the most part though, this post serves as a thank you to you all. Thank you for your patience, understanding and support over the past couple of months. Even when I didn’t fully have the headspace to respond, and could only do a like on the comment, it was felt and it was deeply appreciated.

So, on that note, I am going to sign off.

I wish everyone a fantastic weekend when they get there, and will speak to you all again next week, and I’m very grateful you’re here.

Best,
Bear

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